||[Oct. 7th, 2010|01:54 pm]
So I only post on livejournal when I'm really happy or really upset. To me it's just a depository of emo, made for the pitifulness of a diary entry, but pseudo-public.|
For the last eight months I've been in a wonderful relationship with a really amazing man who made me very happy. One of the rare, special people who makes friends for life, who cares deeply about them, very sincere, open to experiences, joyful, active, exciting. Didn't seem afraid of commitment, or cagey, or fearful. Very appreciative of me and of how well I treated him, making me feel special and beautiful and smart and loveable in return. He appreciated me. I was feeling blissful. I looked forward to getting to know him even better. I felt comforted, like I had finally found someone I could trust, and could hope for a future together.
And completely unexpectedly, he broke up with me this past weekend. At first it sounded like he needed to sort his own life out (career, etc), and it was painful for him to dump me, and he sounded like he wanted to take it back and try again. But after talking with him it turns out more that although he thought I was basically the greatest girlfriend ever (i.e. "If I made a list of every quality I would want in a girlfriend, you would exceed all my expectations"), there was some kind of connection that was missing somehow. He said he couldn't really explain it very well. But I think I understand. Sometimes you just don't really truly love someone. It's not his fault, or anybody's fault. But it hurts, because I really gave him everything I have. I thought we had a connection, even if he thought it was only there in moments.
This is not really any different than any other breakup. It's just a breakup. It sucks, it hurts, I know I will recover from it. But it hurts to have the person you care about, who brings you joy, who it's fun to do pretty much nothing with and it's still joyful, end it, and turn into someone you don't talk to any more, you have to unfriend them and their friends on facebook because it's painful to see carefree status-updates or pictures, and worst of all, you aren't loving them, being with them any longer.
It's been a tough few days. At first I was trying to figure out if he was going to want me back (because there had been hints), and what I should do in that case. But since finding out that it's actually a percieved lack of real, true chemistry, on his part, I am crying even more, for the sadness inherent in this lack of connection between two good people, people who tried, or that I connected to him but he didn't connect to me, or that he found me incapable of the true and deep feelings, the amazing connection, that he's had before. Sometimes I hate myself for my cynicism, and I feel like even my friendships revolve too much around cleverness and trying to be cool, to be detatched. I liked that he didn't have this quality. I did open myself up completely to him, and it hurts that it wasn't enough, or it wasn't right. I feel deficient.
At the same time, now that I know what I am mourning for, it feels like the kind of pain that can eventually be cried all out and gotten over and moved forward from.
Even writing it down like this helps somewhat. It turns the pain from being a huge frightening nonsensical unknown, into some kind of a story that I can eventually look back upon. A story that was good, but it's over. When I write it out it sounds completely trite, pat, cut-and-dry, not at all the way it feels. I loved, it was good, I was rejected, I lost him.
I loved him so much, and I really miss him.